Two Years

So heads up. Today might not be completely about the world of Christian Study, but I need to talk about something and well this is the place I am going to do it. I am okay with you not reading it, I am okay with you being upset that I didn't give you a daily dose of study, because honestly today I have something else on my heart.


So two years, two years and I still remember and on some days I still hurt. I still know that two years ago today Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 was in theatres. I still can pick out the outfit I bought for a funeral, and I still remember thinking I might have broken my phone because no phone should ever survive being thrown across the room at a wall. You see two years ago today one of the sweetest nieces I have had the honor of being an aunt to passed away at 18 months. Two years ago my Christian journey kinda hit a giant road block. Two years ago I quickly learned what it meant to have to grow up and see how God's light is there even in the darkness, you just have to open your eyes.

I am beyond grateful that Estella Ann Neukam came into my life over 3 years ago, and even though it hurts I love knowing that even though she left my physical world two years ago she became an angel in my life, an angel that I know will never leave my side. She and her sister have changed my life for the better. They have helped me see that even when I hate God he will always love me and be there for me when I decide to come back to his side. They helped show me that anything is possible when you put the Neukam family to the test. And they made me realize that family means so much more to me then I ever thought possible. Those girls made me who I am today.

The song above is a constant reminder to me that yes while we were able to hold our precious Estella for a short while, God is holding her now and is showing her the world. Because let's face it, He loves her far more then we ever could. Estella showed us so much and in return we got the honor to carry her through the short time she was with us.

Am I going to say I am healed, no. Because honestly I don't think I will ever be 100% healed because there is a monkey shaped hole in my heart. Someone asked me today how I had remained so strong two years ago. The answer is simple I didn't. I will admit, I turned away from the Church, I turned away from others, I even turned away from myself, but all of that doesn't matter. What matters is that because of my sweet Estella my relationship with Christ and my family is so much stronger. I now know what it means to walk in the shadows, and I know that I can get out of them intact and stronger.


I have a Gerber daisy tattoo with HoPE in the middle (in Chinese). That tattoo is a constant reminder of my monkey and a reminder of where I have been and how much stronger I have become. It is a reminder that without HoPE I am nothing.

So maybe this can be related to study. Maybe looking back is showing how Study and Piety can go together. So what is my action. My action is never forgetting. It is helping others that are experiencing pain and heart ache. It is helping those families impacted by HPE and mostly just helping out families in general. Estella and Heidi both are constant reminders about why I am going into nursing and I am beyond grateful for that.

I love you Estella, I will always love you. No one will ever be able to fill the monkey hole in my heart. Know that so many people are thinking about you today and thanks for making me who I am today. I love you so so so very much.

Thank you everyone for supporting me and my family, and thank you for sharing in the joy of this little girls life.

God Bless.

(Love you again Estella. <3 Aunt Courtney!)

My Dream in this World

Okay so before I start with my blog for today I just want to say.....THANK YOU!!!! The Last post I had one here got so many views and the blog in general is doing great. I never did this for the recognition but the fact that so many people are interested in what a 22 year old girl has to say just amazes me. So anyway back to the blog.....

In my last blog, one of the questions I wanted to ask Jesus was, do you find it weird that I pray for kids and a husband that I have never met? Well that is kinda where this blog is headed today. A couple people asked what I had meant by that and in light of somethings going on in my life I decided that I would post on here what I meant.

I grew up knowing my number one dream in my life was being a wife and mother. When I played house I always wanted to be the one that was the "Mom" and I always had to have at least 2 friends play my children. As I grew up this dream has yet to change but aspects of it have. I have realized being a mom and wife is more then just having a family for me, it is a chance to see and feel love that you can't get from anywhere else. It is a chance for me to get just one more glimpse of the love that God has for his children.

You see, I as someone who thinks she has a strong Christian faith and someone who wants to experience having a husband and kids, I see marriage has one of the best gifts God can give us. Marriage allows us a chance to experience a love that we can't get anywhere else. It allows us to commit to someone else and more importantly in my eyes, it allows us a chance find someone to walk with in our journey with Christ and to Christ. It allows us that lifelong partner that helps to pick us up and dust us off when we need it the most.

But Courtney, what about all the divorce rates out there, doesn't that stop you in your thinking about marriage? Answer is simple- NO! With God all things are possible, With Faith, Hope and Love all things are possible. I once heard that marriage was like a triangle, the closer you and your husband get to God the closer you get to one another, thus the harder it is to break. Like life, a marriage only ends when someone gives up and walks away, but as a Christian I see that as an excuse. As many lemons has life has handed me I should have walked away but I haven't, I keep my stride knowing that things will get better. I pray that I take this believe into my walk with Christ and my husband. 

You see I write this blog today for all my friends that are newly married or getting married soon. I write it for myself to remind me that even though I might not have found the right one yet, I pray daily for his well being, for his relationship with Christ, and mostly for the strength for us to find one another and love each other with our whole being. But mostly I write it for this. 

To remind people of this.....

1If I speak in the tongues^a of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,^b but have not love, I gain nothing.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Now take all the times that the word love is used and replace it with your name. You should be all of these things. In order to fully love and by loved, you must be patient and kind and never failing. You must not envy or be boastful. I want the kind of Love that is in the Bible, not the love that is in all the romance novels. I want love like my grandparents and parents have, a love that can stand the test of time. I want the Love that God has gifted us all, the love that makes us crave it. 

Love is an amazing gift, a gift that can move mountains and change the hearts of so many. So here is my question to you. What would you do for love or to strengthen your love? Do you think that having God in a relationship and marriage can drastically alter that couple in a better way? Love is something to never give up on and yet so many people do. And because I refuse to turn my back on one of the greatest gifts out there I will continue to pray for Mr. X. I will continue to look at the love around me and see God in every happy couple, in every struggling couple, because let's be honest God is there for those couples in the good and the bad times. In the times of love and the times of fighting. A relationship centered on the love of God will always have God in the middle no matter what the situation. 

So I will end with this prayer. 

Dear Lord:

Because love is patient: Help me to be slow to judge, but quick to listen, hesitant to criticize, but eager to encourage, remembering your endless patience with me.

Because love is kind: Help my words to be gentle and my actions to be thoughtful. Remind me to smile and to say "Please" and "Thank You" because those little things still mean so much.

Because love does not envy or boast, and it is not proud: Help me have a heart that is humble and sees the good in others. May I celebrate and appreciate all that I have and all that I am, as well as doing the same for those around me.

Because love is not rude or self-seeking: Help me to speak words that are easy on the ear and on the heart. When I'm tempted to get wrapped up in my own little world, remind me there's a great big world out there full of needs and hurts.

Because love is not easily angered and keeps no record of wrongs: Help me to forgive others as you have forgiven me. When I want to hold onto a grudge, gently help me release it so I can reach out with a hand of love instead.

Because love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth: Help me stand up for what is right and good. May I defend the defenseless, and help the helpless. Show me how I can make a difference.

Because love always protects and always trusts: Help me to be a refuge for those around me.When the world outside is harsh and cold, may my heart be a place of acceptance and warmth.

Finally, because love always perseveres: Help my heart continually beat with love for You and others. AMEN.

And finally help me remember the following: Someday I will marry the right person, with the right reason, and with God's permission! 

AMEN! 

What Would You Ask?

Okay so recently I was just on a Cursillo weekend. During this weekend I handed out a CD of songs that I loved and adored in my walk with Christ. Now on this CD was one song that, to be honest, I was worried about. I didn't know what people would think and honestly how I completely felt about it myself. That song was Beer with Jesus by Travis Rhett which is posted below.

And in case you can't listen to the song at this moment I will even post the lyrics for you.....

If I could have a beer with Jesus
Heaven knows I’d sip it nice and slow
I’d try to pick a place that ain’t too crowded
Or gladly go wherever he wants to go

You can bet I’d order up a couple tall ones
Tell the waitress put ‘em on my tab
I’d be sure to let him do the talkin’
Careful when I got the chance to ask

How’d you turn the other cheek
To save a sorry soul like me
Do you hear the prayers I send
What happens when life ends
And when you think you’re comin’ back again
I’d tell everyone, but no one would believe it
If I could have a beer with Jesus

If I could have a beer with Jesus
I’d put my whole paycheck in that jukebox
Fill it up with nothing but the good stuff
Sit somewhere we couldn’t see a clock

Ask him how’d you turn the other cheek
To save a sorry soul like me
Have you been there from the start
How’d you change a sinner’s heart
And is heaven really just beyond the stars
I’d tell everyone, but no one would believe it
If I could have a beer with Jesus

He can probably only stay, for just a couple rounds
But I hope and pray he’s stayin’ till we shut the whole place down

Ask him how’d you turn the other cheek
To save a sorry soul like me
What’s on the other side?
Is mom and daddy alright?
And if it ain’t no trouble tell them I said hi
I’d tell everyone but no one would believe it
If I could have a beer with Jesus
I’d tell everyone but no one would believe it
If I could have a beer with Jesus

So why was I so afraid of this song and yet I loved it. Well let me start with fear. I was afraid that people wouldn't see the truth in the song. I was afraid that many people would honestly just hear it as a song were Jesus is drinking, and well who would want that. Honestly, I would. And here is why....

Imagine it. Imagine sitting in a bar drinking a Shiner (or a Land Shark for that matter) and in walks Jesus in all of his glory. What would you do? Would you be like many of us and start to think that you have had one to many, or would you stand up and invite him over to the sit next to you? Then what if he did sit next to you....what do you do then? So I thought about it and I have come up with a few questions. Here is my list. 

1. Why kill off the dinosaurs? I mean how cool would it be to have one of those in my backyard. 

2. Why hurt and sorrow? What are we supposed to learn from that? 

3. Did you ever think we weren't worth the amount of pain and suffering you went through? 

4. Do you find it weird that I pray for a husband and kids I don't have yet? Because honestly sometimes I do. 

5. What is heaven like? 

6. Do I make Curt, RO, Aggie, Joe, and Pop proud? And also do they know how much I love them? 

9. How are Estella and Heidi? Do they know how much they meant to me and how much they have changed my life. (Wow thought I could make it through this without crying and I can't). 

10. What do you really think about tattoos? 

11. Do you hurt when your children hurt each other and do you cry with us when we cry? 

And finally because well these are my questions......

12. What is your feeling on Star Wars? Which is the best and honestly do you dislike Jar Jar as much as I do? 

Of course I have so many more. And as you can tell, I have all sorts of questions. But I think Jesus would be okay with it. And I think it would be one of the best discussions I have ever had. Because think about it, and no I am not talking about getting Jesus drunk, but I am thinking a little crazy. When you drink do you not get more open with what you say and how you say it. Truth becomes an automatic thing when alcohol gets involved. So what if the same is true for Jesus, what if after a few beers there is no holding back? How much would you want to know then? 

I can say I have gotten many praises for having this song on my CD, and I have yet to hear something bad. But I feel like it is time for me to explain why it meant so much to me. 

So here is what I dare you to do tonight! Write down what you would ask Jesus, truly think about it. Ask yourself, if I was drinking a beer and sitting in front of him what would I say, how would I act. And you can tell me if you want, you don't have too. Although I would love hearing what others would want to ask! 

I will post a longer blog tomorrow but tonight I am exhausted and still trying to get better so this is all I am capable of tonight. 

God's Peace to all!!! 

Christian Anonymous

So, if yall haven't figured it out yet....I am a nursing student. And currently I am working on my Psych rotation for clinical. For this rotation though we are told to go to at least 3 of a Anonymous meeting; so AA, or Al-non, Narcotics Anonymous any of them. So last night I went to my first AA/NA meeting ever. As I sat there before the meeting I slowly grew more and more anxious. I mean think about it, I wasn't supposed to be there, I was an outsider into their little community. I didn't have a "problem" and honestly I just felt uncomfortable. That is until the meeting started and I slowly grew to realize three things about this community of men and women.

1) They, like the Church body, are made up of all kinds of people. They show what it is meant to be different but the same in Christ. And not only are they all kinds of people, they each know how to get the whole body to work. Do we as Christians not believe that we make up one body of Christ, and without a working piece of the body the whole of the body itself  can not work as well as it could if the whole body worked to it's best. These people know what there roles in the group are and they welcome those roles greatly. For example, one of the men knew that he was to refil the coffee when it was empty, so everytime it was empty he got up to refil it (and trust me that is a big job for these people.....I think they would agree that coffee needs to be a sacrament as well)

2) They are a wonderful shinning example of what it means to support those around us. These people know where they have all come from, and they support each other in their journeys to being sober. They pick each other up when they stumble, they walk together when someone is scared to go in alone. Isn't that what we as Christians need to do. We act like if we don't go ahead of the group, nothing will be given to us. But that isn't the truth; may the first be last and the last be first. I know that I would much rather get to the finish line last knowing that many of my fellow Christians got there too because I was helping them up and dusting them off. It isn't a race, it is a journey, take the time and enjoy the journey together. That is what these people do for each other, these men and women that have struggled with addiction I believe have a better handle on what it means to be a Christian then a lot of us in the "real world" do.

3) They welcome new people better then some churches do. So what do I mean about that. As I was sitting there last night, I was with a friend, sitting in the back row of this meeting. When I kept having a guy star at me. Now I will be honest at first it kinda scared me. But shortly after he came and sat in front of us, he looked back and asked if we could see okay. He then continued to look back and check on us throughout the meeting. He without saying a word to us, made us feel comfortable with our surroundings. His smile and caring manner made the uncomfortable situation I was in so much better. I feel like we need to do that. We need to smile and sometimes not say a word. Now I am not saying b cheerful greeters on Sunday morning. I am saying that once the service starts don't stop being that caring and understanding. You never know, you might be the first time that person has seen Jesus.

So AA/NA taught me more then just how to be a good listener and learning what these people go through. It taught me that these people are so much stronger then most of us would give them credit for. Some of them have a stronger sense of Faith then I could ever imagine. These people have seen and felt God in their lives, I feel like they have given me a gift that is bigger then life. It is a new sense of life and understanding. They showed me that my judgement should never get in the way of learning something new and I thank God for that.

So I dare you, where can you find God today? What nervous situation are you in that you may just see what God has to offer to you? Let me know where you find God today.

Sorry....

So I have realized I have not been updating this blog, but I have a renewed drive to continue you on this journey of Study.

I have promised multiple people in the past weekend that I would work on this blog and I plan to keep that promise so look for updates in the next few days and lets see where the Lord can take me.

Love you all!
Courtney