Just a note: I am sorry I haven't blogged in forever......it is amazing what can happen when you lose your password, who knew I had 3 different blogs on blogspot. Oh well I am back and ready to role!
The year that completely changed who I am now......
One Year......one year can change you forever. Don't believe me, then sit back and let me take you on a journey.
Today, April 22, makes one year since my family gained another angel in Heaven. Heidi left us in this world to join her sister in heaven one year ago today, and one year ago today I stood in a church thinking that this can't be happening again and that this time might just break me. I fought off the darkness by keeping myself busy with school and church, I refused to sit down in the quietness for the fear that if I did I would lose what little sanity I have left. But today and the weeks that followed completely changed me in an amazing way.
In the weeks after the loss of my niece, I struggled but with the help of those around my I survived and honestly become close to Christ, close to my family, and close to myself. Even in this tragedy I learned how to love life and the gift that is life itself. I spent the summer focusing on myself and on school. I would drive out the the beach to just enjoy a beautiful day, I learned how to relax and have fun, something that I was never really good at......and to be honest I still struggle with it sometimes.
In August I got to start on a journey with a group of people I now consider family. I was honored to be a part of my first Cursillo team. You see in March of that year I went to Cursillo for the first time. In March, I had finally decided to go to Cursillo (and for those of you not in the Episcopal Church it is a four day spiritual weekend to help jump start your relationship with Christ or a way to further your relationship). The weekend I went to Cursillo, I experienced something that completely changed me. I become closer to Christ, I became closer to my family, and ultimately I became closer to myself. I learned how to love life again.....something that I had struggled with throughout college. And now I was able to be apart of the team that helped people have this same experience in November. I was beyond excited. I was hyper with God's love (I still think to this day some people are scared of me). I got to give a talk about Study, something that I have now fallen in love with. But something happened in November that I never expected.....
During the Cursillo weekend in November, I learned a lesson that I will carry in my heart forever. That that weekend I learned that age should never define a person's journey with Christ. Age is just a number and everyone's experiences are different. I learned that everyone has a story, whether is just started a new chapter or just closed a chapter, everyone has a story. I learned that God places people in your life that you are beyond grateful for, people that you may only see a couple times a year but everytime you are with them is a time to remember. People that you can anything to and people that you can vent to and know that they will listen (even if it is a one in the morning and you have to be up at 6). I gained so much from that one weekend, but mostly I gained a family in Christ that I will always cherish.
Flash forward to December, the time that I failed my first class ever. My first major failure in life. I honestly completely lost it, but looking back now I wouldn't change it for the world. You see God taught me an important lesson in that.......failure does not define who I am and who I will become. Yes it is a bump in the road but it does not alter the road itself. Failures are lessons, they help you learn how to be better, how to be strong, and ultimately how to overcome. I also learned that failure is something everyone will experience sooner or later and that you are never alone when it happens. I also learned that failure can open some amazing doors for you.
So that brings us to January, my trip to the Dominican, which honestly was beyond life altering and too much to write her but if you really want to learn what I went through read my week of blogs about the trip. Trust me, it will be worth your time.
So those are the big lessons, but what else have I learned in this year. Well, here let's list them out.
1. I fear three things: 1. disappointing my mama, 2. angering my daddy, and 3. not being Christ's light in a dark world.
2. A relationship should never define you, I am in the perfect partnership with Christ and if a guy wants to join in that relationship that is fine.......but I don't need a guy to show me what love it.
3. I am a country women that can find God's love in any Christian or Country song out there.
4. No dream is impossible with God on your side.
5. Never think you always have the answer.....most of the time you won't
6. Never think you know what will happen next......9 times out of 10 you will be wrong
7. God can be found in any subject.....read this blog for proof.
8. I have the mouth and attitude of my daddy but the love and kindness of my mama, and God made me who I am so I shouldn't let a man or anyone else try to change me.
9. Someone might leave you behind in this world, but they are waiting for you in the next so never say goodbye, always say see you later.
10. Family will always be there for you no matter what stupid mistakes you make
10b. God will also be there so don't turn away from him when you need him most
11. You will never be able to plan your life completely, sometimes you got to trust the path that God has for you.
A year can completely change you. I know I have been an image of change. As I sit here and write this I am amazed my the changes I have gone through, and yet I wonder what changes would have happened if Heidi were here. What would life be like for me and for her and more my family? But then I think, why do I wonder, this is God's plan, this is the path that he laid for us long before time began. He knows what each of us will feel and how we will grow in him. Yes I still have days where it hurts knowing I have two beautiful angels in heaven watching out for me that I feel should still be on this earth, but I know that they are playing and having an amazing time up there.
No matter how much you may struggle in a year, know that you are going through a transformation that is beyond amazing. And a year doesn't have to be January to January, it can be April to April, or November to November.
So I challenge you.....Look back on this year. What have you learned? How have you changed? Was it a struggle or a year full of epiphany? What do you hope to gain in the year to come? What do you think this year has done in your relationship with Christ?
Finally, I have a final thing to say to my sweet niece. (you never know they may have internet in heaven)....
Heidi-
Thank you for being my angel this year. Thank you for being a constant reminder of what love is and how much someone can love another. Thank you for watching over your Daddy, we both know he can be hard headed but I know that with you and your sister on his side he can do anything. I love you so much baby girl and my love for you grows everyday, and not a day goes by that I don't think about you. You will always be my ladybug and always be a symbol of HoPE for me. Give your sister a hug for me and let her know I love her so much and miss you both. I can't wait for the day I can see you both again.
Love,
Aunt Courtney
God Bless!
