Two Years

So heads up. Today might not be completely about the world of Christian Study, but I need to talk about something and well this is the place I am going to do it. I am okay with you not reading it, I am okay with you being upset that I didn't give you a daily dose of study, because honestly today I have something else on my heart.


So two years, two years and I still remember and on some days I still hurt. I still know that two years ago today Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 was in theatres. I still can pick out the outfit I bought for a funeral, and I still remember thinking I might have broken my phone because no phone should ever survive being thrown across the room at a wall. You see two years ago today one of the sweetest nieces I have had the honor of being an aunt to passed away at 18 months. Two years ago my Christian journey kinda hit a giant road block. Two years ago I quickly learned what it meant to have to grow up and see how God's light is there even in the darkness, you just have to open your eyes.

I am beyond grateful that Estella Ann Neukam came into my life over 3 years ago, and even though it hurts I love knowing that even though she left my physical world two years ago she became an angel in my life, an angel that I know will never leave my side. She and her sister have changed my life for the better. They have helped me see that even when I hate God he will always love me and be there for me when I decide to come back to his side. They helped show me that anything is possible when you put the Neukam family to the test. And they made me realize that family means so much more to me then I ever thought possible. Those girls made me who I am today.

The song above is a constant reminder to me that yes while we were able to hold our precious Estella for a short while, God is holding her now and is showing her the world. Because let's face it, He loves her far more then we ever could. Estella showed us so much and in return we got the honor to carry her through the short time she was with us.

Am I going to say I am healed, no. Because honestly I don't think I will ever be 100% healed because there is a monkey shaped hole in my heart. Someone asked me today how I had remained so strong two years ago. The answer is simple I didn't. I will admit, I turned away from the Church, I turned away from others, I even turned away from myself, but all of that doesn't matter. What matters is that because of my sweet Estella my relationship with Christ and my family is so much stronger. I now know what it means to walk in the shadows, and I know that I can get out of them intact and stronger.


I have a Gerber daisy tattoo with HoPE in the middle (in Chinese). That tattoo is a constant reminder of my monkey and a reminder of where I have been and how much stronger I have become. It is a reminder that without HoPE I am nothing.

So maybe this can be related to study. Maybe looking back is showing how Study and Piety can go together. So what is my action. My action is never forgetting. It is helping others that are experiencing pain and heart ache. It is helping those families impacted by HPE and mostly just helping out families in general. Estella and Heidi both are constant reminders about why I am going into nursing and I am beyond grateful for that.

I love you Estella, I will always love you. No one will ever be able to fill the monkey hole in my heart. Know that so many people are thinking about you today and thanks for making me who I am today. I love you so so so very much.

Thank you everyone for supporting me and my family, and thank you for sharing in the joy of this little girls life.

God Bless.

(Love you again Estella. <3 Aunt Courtney!)